we’re lost until we’re not until we’re lost again until we’re not again. that’s what i got from the movie. i liked it a lot. very haunting. it left with me. at any point life could give you different circumstances and it either feels like it came out of nowhere, it’s unfair, or you lucked out. and maybe you go with it and maybe you struggle. sometimes you want to come out of the boat with a life you never knew you had, a change. sometimes you come out of the boat feeling sorry for not listening to the warnings about getting on it in the first place. how should we feel about being in the circumstances that we find ourselves in when we feel so much not in control of any of it. nick judges liam for taking feeling good about where he has ended up, for taking advantage of the opportunity he didn’t earn. all these moments pass and they pass again without any sense of the people being affected around the rusty cables and aging wood and wavy water and hungry birds. it all goes on and we experience the differences. the mother losing her child sees lost time, she did not accept the changes. idk how you possibly could. well i guess the dad did. he was better off because of it. the mother must have felt the same way nick did. wishing she could do the same thing and wake up the next day in a different reality where her son didn’t get lost at sea.

this was a weird movie for me to see at this time. the movie was beautiful. every shot a beautiful photograph. i just read that it was shot on 16mm bolex camera. a fourth the size of the odyssey, which was also great. not very dissimilar from each other. but anyway. this movie, rose of nevada hit me hard. i ended up in the mostly empty theater (which got emptier by the minute after the movie started), in my favorite seat (at what cost) because i was not feeling good being at home. as much as i cleaned and as much more than i have left to do, my body (heat) and my mind (whirlwind) were struggling to stay inside any longer. i just wanted food and ac so i went to the new parkway for both, idc what movie was playing. and i ended up in a movie that i needed to see right now. it reminded me of how i used to see the world. in such a cinematic way. it reminded me of how i liked to tell stories. it reminded me of why i went to film school. it made me feel ok with my ideas. but i also did not feel ok. did not feel ok being alone on my favorite seat with a whole pizza for one and beautiful movie worth discussing. so here i am. pretending to discuss. there isn’t a lonelier feeling then getting out of a really good movie. at least/most the moon is full and i got to walk with it for a bit and reflect with it for a bit. but now im off the the boat and back to the same reality that i walked in with. i should be grateful, i guess.

i'm stuck in unknowing. idk what to do. i'm frozen. not indecision this time. not lack of energy. not lack of time. i just don't know what to do. what's next. where am i in the equation

today i wore myself walking in the sun. looking for what i want in places i know i won't find anything. i did find another smoothie. i love that place. they are so good. anyway. i am getting worn out entirely. mind body and sould. idk what is happening. idk if you are here reading this. idk why i let my mind dilute itself so much to start thinking about such things. idk what i am supposed to do with these vague notifications. i sent a whole ass paper and pen letter. at least you can rip that up and burn it. what am i supposed to do with a bleepbloop on the stupid screen. i would like to send a blipbloop back at least but i can't. it's not fair. maybe that's what you want/not want. i hate that i keep typing "you". leading myself back to delusions. whatever. nothing changes. i'm still looking at that silhouette that always shines. that new album is fucking sick \m/ i have my last therapy session for a while this weekend, until my health insurance gets figured out with the new job. i should make the best of the appointment. prepare. prepare. prepare. where am i in the whole equation. i have stuff to say. just want to talk. talk. talk.

what little break i had is pretty much over. my mom's bday celebrations continue today with a family trip to the metreon. i'm up early, again. feeling kinda restless, again. idk what to do rn. so i write. i saw pretty much all of my little cousins yesterday. almost all of them. so much family. it was very nice. i ate so much yesterday too. very very nice and good. best quesadilla i ever had for sure. i didn't notice until yesterday exactly how rare those moments are nowadays. of all of us being together, including my sisters. i did nothing yesterday, which was great. just sang and talked with my family. i really needed that. i love how my sisters remember that this song is my favorite / destroys me every time i hear it so they purposely turn it up when it comes on. little did they know that i prepared for that moment all summer so i just sang. my mom's bday party was beautiful but with it came another moment of reflection, as it usually does. yesterday seven years ago i got a message from the stars. and just like a distant pulsar, it's light keeps reaching me way past the time that it originally flashed. and it blinds me. and i sit in the light. it's like a shower. it feels good.

the star luhman 16 is about seven lightyears away. the light that it emitted on that day seven years ago is just now reaching us, all of us, on planet earth. luhman 16 is a brown dwarf star (lol), which puts it somewhere between a giant gas planet and a proper star. oh big boy where are you now. do you still any secrets to whisper in my ear?

so what now? this is how my brief summer ends? with a blip of a message of a not so distant star. if it was seven lights years away with no direction to shine i would understand it a bit more but shit, a smoke signal would have been more clear. so now that i c that u c that i c that u c. now what? so unceremoniously too. it couldn't have been a more direct message? it couldn't have been like a selena video? una carta escrita a mano instead of a vague spotify notification? whatever. i get all my messages. i accept all light, specially the one that reflects off me so sweetly. so shine on, it's all we can do. my telescoped has been fixed on the same location since luhman16 pointed back and blinded me. i know i've made that very clear. where i'm going next i don't need these eyes. so shine on me for real this time. bathe me in eternal light, don't blink a dying flashlight at me. i know just how bright that star shines when it wants to. i want it to.

mosswood meltdown always finds me in an interesting place. i think it's been 15 years now of going to mosswood park during this time of year. always finding a new favorite band. i always leave saying that i want to go to that park more. i rarely ever do. it always feels pretty new for a whole festival that is almost filled with it's own anti-nostalgia nostalgia-core. it really does feel like a place that is stuck between times. there's 80 year olds on stage, 70 year olds crowdsurfing, babies with mohawks that are ssquished down by the earprotectors and then me, somewhere in the middle of it all. it's a very unique place. it uniquely gives me energy unlike any other festival does. i tend to avoid the crowds and pits more and more these days but there's never any reason to resist the pull, when itpulls. and it pulled. i got on the edge of almost every pit. it was fun. i am sore. this was also my first meltdown being sober, at least from weed. it was too hot to not have a beer or two. but i'm usually stoned out of my mind and/or on shrooms. not this time. and it was good. i was very chill. too chill? i saw some friendly faces, some not so friendly ones too. there was a brief impromptu cumbia meetup near the vendors. the more people that gathered so say hello, the more people that stopped by. they were probably the only people i spoke to there, which is fine. it was all i needed.

i was very happy to see the dirtbombs again. it's the main reason why i love this festival. where else am i going to see mick collins and ben blackwell so often. i never thought i'd see them in the flesh. now every few years i get to see these very fomative bands. it was hot but i came prepared with the handfan that i bought at the county fair. everyone looked so envious of the fan. if only they knew how much i would love to fan the whole world. the defining moment of the festival for me was during some in between time when i was looking for a shady place to sit, getting sweaty while being too cool to go see who the first band at the main stage was going to be. i found a moist spot next to a tree, sat down, heard music blaring coming from the distant stage. the vocals and the speed of the drums caught my attention. the song ended and in between dnb beats starting blaring. i immediately got up and rushed to the stage to see what ended up being my favorite show of the whole festival. i had discovered snõõper and friends. i was there. where i was supposed to be. surrounded by large puppets with sweet booming music blasting on my body. their set made my day, literally. i was getting tired by this time already, it was so early. but that show gave me energy for the rest of the weekend. i went to the bathroom right after their set, which is when i saw the friendly cumbiamberos. lizzy reccommended that i should see mannequin pussy, who i was planning on missing and using their set as the time to recover for otoboke beaver. i went with the recc, never let a lizzy recc pass you by. another surprise favorite. i was itching to play guitar by this point. i just remember bouncing my head a lot. and then came the real bouncing with otoboke beaver. i was not going to miss the pit for this one. i was there. i got so excited when i saw the orange guitar. yoyoyoshie was so amped that she tried to start the show during the (long) soundcheck. one of the soundguys had to go tell her that they need to get off stage first so that john waters could introduce them first. oh yea he was there too. otoboke beaver was the most fun i've had in a long time. then i stuck around for iggy. it was cool seeing some familiar faces on stage. he's still got it. then i went to celebrate ruben+yessica's graduation, i'm glad i did even though i was so tired. i'm so happy for the both of them.

sunday was a blur but it was very chill. i am proud of the way i chose to go (i almost didn't) and just chilled around, took a nap even. bikini kill was probably my favorite part. i wore the edgar tshirt, two people recognized it. one food vendor took a pic of it. i love that shirt so much. idk when i'll wear it again. it was a good fit day. ok i'm tired of remembering everything. i'm tired of everything. until next mosswoddy year.



favorites:
food: aburaya
new band: snõõper
singalong: pardon? - otoboke beaver
purchase: cute sunglasses
surprise: nick zinner w iggy
fangirl moment: seeing yoyoyoshie's guitar

i didn't really know what to expect from the yoko ono exhibit. i know about her music and some of the interactive performance stuff. i learned a lot. i put a name to the type of art that i like to do. the temporalness is the beauty. there is a lot i create/have created just for the sole purpose of creating and going through the experience. creating stuff and leaving it for the birds to eat. putting it in a ditch for someone to find. i loved all the instructions for the interactive art pieces. it's a great way to get all the ideas out. i have a lot of ideas and i never thought of just asking others to do it. i guess i have. my classroom. it did feel like that most of the time. turning every little head into artists with my ideas. i loved that job. i love that i get to keep doing it. i love that i get to do it somewhere new. anyway. the temporality - it is what stuck with me the most. it reminded me of what i do. but that's not the only reason. yoko had a way to get to the core of the idea and to the core of what being a teacher is all about. it's not just direction and exposure but giving opportunity for someone to experience what it's like to do the thing. we did the thing. she said put your smile in this box. i did. she said nail something to the wall. i nailed my guitar pick to the wall. she said step on this. i stepped on that. it was a lot of fun.

the temporary art that was not really meant to exist and it's ok without existing - just the idea gets you to experience it. that was a nice reminder too, of how i can handle everything i've been going through.

little trip to la. it was very relaxing, very nice, very lovely to see my friends. but god damn it was hard. the bus. the being there. the driving through all the places. almost to the anniversary of when i was there last. it made everything that i have gone through more real and i appreciate it in a different way. but damn it was hard. i made a wish that i hung to a tree, took a picture in a box, drew my shadow - all per yoko's instructions.

finally lettin go of that ugly #37. guacala. no me gusta/gusto. nothin cute bout it. 38 is so nice and curvy. i'll reflect on the uggo 37 later but for now i just want to report myselftomyself as having made it. yay.

i have some time off finally. it's good for me. i've been using it well, i think. almost done with the paperwork that has been hovering over me. doing a lot of cleaning and reorganizing. it's good for me. piano time in between other time. saw rosalia on an impulse last night. it was very beautiful, inspiring and affirming. idk and idc if the tears are part of the performance or not but it feels good to know i'm not alone. it's my sister's bday. i'm happy that she's having a grand time. i'll see her soon. it's almost my bday. i guess i'll be getting a table for one at the wendys for the minions meal. oh well. looking forward to it. i haven't had any social media for a while now, idk if it's good for me or not. having it or not having it. the only way to win is to not play. i'm ok without it. specially at night. i see friends struggle with it, it reminds me of how i struggle with it and i'm happy to just not have that part added. idk how i am doing. as much as i am feeling everything, everything also feels very subdued. this weather is fucking weird. i'm about to have the cloudiest, coldest, dark bday ever. it's whatever i guess.

i'll do more reflecting on this last year later but for now, i keep thinking about how hard it has been. so many things taking a toll on my mental health. having no clear way to let it all go and give myself a bit of release and no way to let myself hold myself. it's been hard. but it's also been good in that i am learning a lot - seeing a lot. i can't really say there's nothing to show for it. i'm getting help in a new way and i've had a pretty good time without the weed too. that part has been good/easy. also getting further and further away from social media is good. maybe it'll stay deactivated for good this time. we'll see. but yea. it's been hard. i want to remember how hard is has been so i can remind myself that i got through it. i probably will.

walking to get away
every path is carved before i step foot out
memory reroutes me
more lost each time
still i step forward each time


i’ll chase this butterfly instead
reminds me to stay light
reminds me of how easy it can be to stay in flight
when i didn’t mind the wind having no intention
when the forces of nature were truly a mystery


moving reminds me of you
but it feels better than being stuck
moving will take me somewhere
where i am ok with where i’ve been
i’ll walk until i’m nowhere
exactly where you’ve been


A2 Bm7 F#m

mind is full like the moon that watches me go
go go go go
i’m going where i shouldn’t go
the moon is watching
letting me go
letting me learn
watching me carefully
slow go slow going slow


——

whatever little teaspooons keep pouring out of my diluted mind
the things that weren’t felt because of the filter i kept on so tight
it drips and drips continously
and i pour over it again to get every last drop in there left
because i want to feel all of it
even if it’s without you
even if it’s just to feel like you once did
in the most difficult hours when there was a chance for more
when there was something there
whatever is left now is unknown


i felt it all then
now i’m finding there was more
little drops of it seeping through that old rusted filter
the filter that let me listen in so many ways

the filter that also let me astray when it was time to feel
in a way only two touching hearts can feel
there’s still so much more to come
and i’ll keep refilling the cup
until every drop is poured and drank
but i have a feeling that i’ll just keep repouring the same cup again and again
until i lose the sense of taste
until i find no reason to drink again
refill me again

it's july what the helllll. how. i am starting my new job soon. i finally get a bit of a break soon. i haven't done much and everything is almost here so soon. i have to set myself up with this little free time that i'll have to get more productive and give myself time and space to settle down to my new job and settle down with being ok at home and figure out some new routines. this next month will be to set up all those things. it's a lot to ask. it's a lot for me to ask myself to break routines becasue those routines were very intetional from the beginning and took work to set up. but nothing is meant to last, nothing like that. tomorrow is the last day of summer school. i almost did not make it to school today. i had a lot of fun watching the mexico game last night with my friends. i enjoyed their presence and also appreciated being there for them. it gave me a mirror that wasn't all about me but still saw so much of myself.

walking just to end up away from where i've been
every path is carved out before the first step
memories reroute me witout my constent
more lost each time
still, i step forward each time




i’ll chase this butterfly instead
reminds me to stay light
reminds of me of how easy it can be to stay in flight
when i didn’t mind the wind having no intention
when the forces of nature were truly a mystery


moving reminds me of you
but it feels better than being stuck
moving will take me somewhere
where i am ok with where i’ve been
i’ll walk until i’m nowhere
exactly where you’ve been

looking for a place where i can be kind to myself. it feels good here. here where i can write into the void. put a mirror up to everything that kept me up. i have been doing a lot of hoping lately. probably in vain. what is hope for? is it tied to a belief in something greater? a space mommydaddy? a power that reaches out the mind and into the soul's of people that need that touch? whatever it's for, i don't know if it's all good. it might just be to make one's self feel alright. i guess i feel alright. but i hope i can be kind to squishy little brain soon. i hope everyone around me knows i love them. i hope i keep getting the opportunity to show them that love. i am not shy when it comes to that. but sometimes i assume too much. clearer head = less assumptions. the assumptions and my unnecessary inspector gadget tendencies have given me the opposite of a clear head. i hope that's past now. i think it's about time i go back and read some of the older posts and give myself some reference of where i've been and where i am at. i think that's what it's all for. what else would it be for? for who? i start therapy tomorrow again, finally. what an annoying process. i'm hopefuly this person can work with me. i'm not hard to work wit am i? at least not as much anymore, nowadays. anyways. i've been up for a few hours at this 7am point. i have one more week of summer school after today. i have to be at work soon. the shower water is running. the shower tunes are playing. the coffee is doing its thing. i'm listening to slugs of love because i choose to see the beauty in what i am feeling. ok bye

the camera on phone broke. or so it seems. i don't think it's really broken. seems like a software issue. planned obsolescence and all that. is that what happened to me? anyway. i have a kink in my neck. i want to sleep and rest and sleep and be ok with being in bed all day. i still haven't a chance to do that. not even close. summer school is still going strong. my walks are still going strong. i saw two friendly faces on my walk today on two different ocassions. all smiles. everyone was happy. everyone waved back. hmm. i am lucky. new therapist soon. soon soon. new year soon. kind of. i don't even know. just happy to not be in the prime number of my life. i have not liked 37. i never liked that number, i hate it even more now. who cursed who. who knows. who cares. i just want it to pass. 38 at least looks cool. like it's supposed to be 88 but the 8 got cut in half and all that is left is 3. that's cool. better than 37. i hope. been hoping a lot lately. less hoping more hopping. i'll let everything down now and get some rest. x,m dlzko;zmlsX9(#

there's never a bad reason to pick up a pen
when i want to be heard by my own ears
bringing attention to what's behind
letting myself in to places undefined
it helps just to hear i'm still there
reflections of what i said i was
reminding myself how to ride the old bike
bringing up topics to see how they fall
taking myself where i know how it ends
telling the story of how i knew how it'd end
grabbing a drink to do it all again
wanting to trip on the same crack
thinking this time i know how to fall
it has all been a stumble with nowhere to land
i wish these words were company enough for tonight
it doesn't really matter what i really want
what good is desire in a content space
the smoking crater looks so cozy
a hug of smoke would stop the gasping breath
anything to make me want again

who's taking me to get the wendys minion meal

i sing when i remember
louder each time
i know the songs too well now
any new lyric worth shouting is already familiar










my lungs are getting stronger
my pitch finer
because i can’t help but remember
and i can’t help but wish you’d hear











how sweet it is sounding
maybe then you can understand
no need to labor the explanation
just listen and understand where i’ve been









do you sing for me?
i think i hear you
but is it just me
reverberating the songs i know too well

new rooms means new doors. bringing my own history. creating new meanings. it's where i wanted to be. classes will be had. lots of them. never knew i was that kind of guy. to make shit happen. not for me. but it still happens. and we all celebrate and agree that it is how it should be. i am glad i can help. always. new hours, new doors, new meanings. so much work to do. but not yet. at least not that kind of work. it can wait. it'll be there, in tons. for now there is work to do. the heavy lift of not lifting a finger. i want all the fingers. i want it all in my palm. kiss it all like a little chicken in my hand. i want to care. i care for my kitty. i have it all. so much to do for it all. for it all to not fall on me and make me forget. i will have the time. i do have the passion. i feel. as long as i remember that it is me. it's me. me that i am feeling. me that i am experiencing. me that i want to be ok. me that is ok. me that makes me not ok. me that got me here. to these new doors and new faces. history in the making. i made this with so much help but i am here. there is so much to do.

i always knew this would happen again. i would feel bad again. blame myself again. feel so bad again. feel so stupid again. even if i was right at the time to distance myself, i knew i was going to end up feeling this way again. i was wrong to think that this was better than dealing with the problems at the time. i’m so dumb for being high all the time. it’s all i have left to blame is my habbits. always blaming everything that i did. never blaming her. always me. i spelled this moment out in the past. i said this was going to happen. i said i was going to give any part of myself that i can trust in order to stick around. i guess that’s what i gave up. everything. all my sense. all other possibilities. any chance that i might feel ok. i already gave it up in the past why should i feel anything now. i knew i was going to blame myself. i knew i wasn’t going to be happy with my decision. i was right when for a moment i decided to stand in front of all the bullshit that was being thrown at me. i didn’t know how to deal with it then. i do now. i do. i wish i could try. i don’t even care about the sober part anymore. i’m not going going to get a chance to see if that would have helped. it’s over. why can’t i just be ok with that. all i have left is feel dumbfounded by the amount of time that has passed. and the amount of myself that i gave. and how many times i had the chance to figure it out. all i have left is the songs and my dumbasscuriousgeorgeassobsessiveassloverass self. idk what to do. this summer isn’t starting great. it’s not even fucking summer. i have to be teaching summer school in 6 hours. it’s 3:03am and i am crying still. it is somehow getting worse with more time. why didn’t i listen to her? why couldn’t she be more patient? why did we not see what was happening? what is happening? i am so fucked rn. idk what to do. i just exist in this fucking box without any wants to desires. i just want one thing. i’m so lost. why do i think that she would change all that? what do i have left to do? i am feeling, heavy, right now. i can’t think straight. i’m getting old. older. what else is there to do? i just her to know that i did want it all but i couldn’t say it because my body was always in fucking shock and i couldn’t be granted the fucking time to settle down. not being stoned all the time might have helped but it also did help. i’m not going to act like i didn’t know what i was doing. it’s been like 3 or 4 months of not smoking. i’m not going to pretend like that smoking didn’t help me immensly but i also know in what ways it didn’t. she was right to look out for me in that way. but now what? i’m just a fucking stranger now that’s what. a stranger in my own home. i moved here to find a home and all this place has done to me is shake me around and leave me lonelier than i ever felt. i wasn’t made for this city. i’m glad she was. what didn’t i know? was there anything i didn’t know? do i get the right to be suspicious for no fucking reason at all, too? do i get to act out on all my delusions? is that all there is left to do? it’s the only thing i haven’t tried. it’s the only thing i haven’t mirrored. i feel so broken. like holy shit, it’s been a whole year of just trying to not think of her. a whole year of trying to not blame myself. a whole year of trying to not forget how i’m not the only one to blame. a whole year of making myself believe that i made the right decision. and four fucking months of failing miserably at all of that. i’m tired. i can’t sleep. i have a very important day tomorrow and i can’t fucking rest. i am fucking up.

pues que o que. pues ya. it's that time. it's summer time and same shit is on my mind. summer school starts tomorrow. i'm like 85% done cleaning out room 3. it's been hard cleaning house. and i mean that. my home. i gotta leave it. so it goes. tomorrow i go to the new school for some sort of orientation thing too. new overwatch hero trailer comes out tomorrow too. big day tomorrow. idk how i feel about a big day on a tuesday. and then a show on a saturday. and then a movie on a sunday. a lot going on. it still feels like summer though. the break in the cycle is very very nice. i don't mind waking up at the same time and all that. the roads are clear so we can get nowhere faster. it feels like summer. this weekend i isolated for no particular reason other than not wanting to be perceived. i got to work on and finish my first published tab in two years. i don't think it's 100% correct but i like it. it feels good to sing and play it. i should play a different song tho. it's in my head. like deep in there. like that kylie song.

my uber drivers today were funny. both of them. both of them had a lot of words of wisdom to share. both of them seemingly needed a talk. and i did too, shit. only talking/singing to luka has it's benefits but fuck it fucks with you. i did ask for that tho so it's fine. it's just one weekend. the driver guy on the way to school was asking how come he never heard of anyone have a stroke back in his homeland (vietnam). the driver dude on the way back home said right away he knew that i was smart (pero en espanol) and proceeded to reccomend a bunch of self-help books so that i can share the wisdom with my students. it's the thought that counts. i do want to do more reading, this summer and in general. i have a few magazines and a book i've been wanting to finish. so hopefully i have some new insights to write about because right now i'm in and outta my head.

it's friday, i guess. yesterday i had my closing circle at aia. not a lot of people showed up but my key people were there. i was very happy to see them all in the same room. it was a very out of body experience to have my own closing circle after nine years of being in the circle to appreciate and sendoff a staff member. i cried the whole time. i learned this year that people are really scared to cry. and that i am not. i had a lot of practice, i guess. i loved that i had a chance to appreciate everyone in the room directly for everything they've done for me and my career. i love that place and those people. i gave that place to much of my blood and sweat. so so so much of my energy. energy of all type. maybe it's to blame for me being along right now? idk, i would hope not. even though it takes so much, i would hope the people around me would see how important it is for me and they would understand. i would hope. if that was a thing i can hope for. anyways. i'll still be at the school for a few more weeks for summer school and then it's on to alameda county. the new school is equal distance from aia from my apartment. kinda cool i guess. i get to carpool with my friends. very cool. i got to celebrate the closing with my friends and a terra. very cool.

on wednesday i had to go get a shot. all by myself. like a big boy. it sucked ass. i felt so alone. so shaky. so fatigued. i had to go back today for the tb skin test. got my shit signed for work but then decided to walk around. i don't want to feel the way i did today all summer. this unshakable lonely feeling. even though i am looking forward to finally not having anything to do this weekend, the isolation is so extreme. i don't like it. i'm still not ok with it. not sure if i ever will be. my hope for this summer "break" is that i find ways to not feel like that. idk if the route is to be ok with feeling like that or to try to not feel like that somehow. somehow. some how. some. how. for now i'll just play some video games and rest my bones. i'll probably stream some overwatch this weekend. or maybe right now. right now.

i know what to do this time

yesterday i was taken to a place far away. i just wanted to see an old friend but i ended up way far up in the hills. so far away from anything. no roads. no reception. just a lot of people i didn't know. i didnt care as long as i had a place to sit. so i sat. and i sat some more. asked about the owls in the area. sat some more. then the moon came up right as i was wondering how i was going to get home. the moon was big and tiny. bright and pale. they had a big asss telescope. i hogged it. i fixed it. i fixated. i was suddenly ok with ending up in the middle of nowhere. it's all a part of my closing process at aia. it was so fitting. today i saw the biggest monarch on my way to get coffee. i stood still, just my eyeballs following it. it was huge. i kept walking. got my coffee, prepapred to go on a walk. but then i felt the weight of the week crushing my legs. so i went home and overcaffeneited myself with overwatch and friends. i might go to the beach today. summer break is here, kind of. idk what the rest of the day looks like but i am happy i get to rest in bed with luka for a few hours, only interrupted by overwatch. zzzzhonkshoomimimimimzzzzzzz

today i saw 1(one) monarch on my walk after drinking 2(two) coffees and singing 3three songs. today i woke up early, again. today i get to see an old friend. today was when i got home last night. finally. home. yesterday there were many tears. said goodbye to many friends. for no good reason at all. as the week goes by, i am realizing how not ok i am in some way and how much of a great amazing job i'm doing at other. good job, ed. i was not ok five days ago. idk why i went into that nasty spiral. upwards, i guess, with a little help from my friends. it was a heavy, jampacked week. i played soccer. took a hike. didn't eat right. i danced in my room a lot. i want to find a dance class to help me with my newjeans moves. poor kitty stayed home alone most of the week. i feel so sad and bad but really glad i get to just cuddle him now for the next two months. a lot of new things coming. exciting but also paralyzing. i just want to be with my luka cat. he is sleeping right now because he wasn't sleeping at 6am when he decided it was breakfast time. oh kitty. the graduation ceremony was a lot. i was ready to do nothing then ended up doing a lot. i had the mic a lot. they secretly put a little thank you video for me at the end of the slideshow. it was a very out of body experience to hear myself playing the piano over those loud speakers, slowly realizing that it was me on the speakers then turning around and seeing the video. it was very sweet. i cried a lot. i'm still crying. i hope i did ok by the students. i'm going to do more than just hope they are ok next year. i know the powers that be will try some shit to ruin their last year there. but i will be there for them. we have a plan even though i won't be in room 3. i am so looking forward to not doing nothing for a day or two. but that's it. only a day or two. then i need something to do. or i will lose my mind, again. summer never ended. how is the school year over? like for real for real. how does time work and why. stop it.

before any of the events that inspired the previous post happened, i started my headphone-free walk feeling pretty good. i saw a butterfly and a cute cat sitting on the road. it let me take a picture. i continued walking, saw some cute dogs. i found a box with a big pink book that called my attention and it kept it. i brought it home. it's a big book of all things korean pop culture. like the exact thing i want right now. i walked the other half with the book in hand. half way up the hill there was a plastic electric organ! it looked so cool but it was so broken and so dusty. i went as far as picking it up to gauge to see if i could walk back with it. and i could have but nahh. i have enough instruments and even if i could fix the broken parts, i already have too many other projects going. all of these wondergul, seemingly made-for-me-moments were enough to perfectly time me walking behind the whole incident that has made me spiral for the last 24 hours. but the spiral is apparently moving upwards, or so they say. anyway. i just wanted to remind me of the magical occurences and not let them get washed over by the one magic thing that shocked my system.

today was a hard day to be at school. still emotionally recovering, heavy with sleep and holding back tears, i tried to focus and be present. this is my last week as a full time teacher at this school. the school that has given me soo so so much. the school that has shown me who i am. i want to be present this last week and today it was very hard to do that. i don't like going to work when i feel like this but it's also one of the things that helps me get regulated, which is also why i am scared of summer break. but yea i was already holding back tears throughout the day and then during the 11th grade advisory class, the kids brought me pizza and cupcakes and an appreciation card. they want to do something to show how much they appreciate me. i cried. they knew i would. they are so lovely and kind and caring. those little brats. i love them so much. i didn't want to come off as ungrateful so i ate a bit of it all but they really didn't know what to get me. it is hard to please me when it comes to cheap food. they got me little ceasars pizza but made sure to get a couple of cheese only because they know i don't eat the meat. they got me some cupcakes that i would never eat but they got it because it had dragonball stickers and spiderman (???). they got the soda, which i'm sure was just for themselves but they poured me a cup anyway. it was the definition of "it's the tought that counts" and god damn does it count. i don't want to say i needed that today but damn i did. not in the way they'll ever know. but it reminded me to shake all this yearning psychosis off and to be present and appreciate this moment. it's a big culminating moment and even when i am forgetting, the result of my hard work is showing up to remind me. it's going to be a heavy week. i want to be there for all of it.

i had to wake up early this morning. not cool. the show was at noon and we had to be there an hour or two before. i got to sleep in the car a little on the way there. set up was nice and easy. it was a big stage. everything sounded real nice. we sounded kinda nice but all the speakers were nice and big and there were so many of them. there was a nord on stage that i got to touch. people kind of showed up then they kind of left. the show was whatever. i was happy to do it. i'm glad it's done. yesterday i got to go to the school i will be starting to work at in a few months. my friend and soon coworker (again) put on a play for alice in wonderland. it was very fitting, i think, for me to be there for that. i love the book, story, movie, all things alice. i got the jokes before the little kids even said them. i did that instead of going to my school's senior events. there's too much going on at work. one week left. the job that i've been doing for the past 9 years all ends in one week. more on that later, i'm sure. right now, right now. i'm listening to newjeans, drinking a japanese beer, getting liked by luka. kinda sad, kinda mad, kinda all over the place. normal post show stuff i think. everyone is at carnaval rn watch banda el mexicano play on the same stage we just played at hours before. i don't blame them for not being there for us. i thought at least one person would show up but whatever. i go outside and wish things, again. i did see another monarch. i get happy when i see them. they remind me of all beautiful things that i've seen and experienced. everytime i feel what i feel when i catch one flying past me it reminds me of it all. it reminds me of you. it reminds me of me. it reminds me of luka and all the cute kitties. idk what else is in store for this weekend but after such a busy week i am glad to not have plans. i kind of wish i had plans. but whatever. my only plan right now is to drink another beer (i think i've been drinking a lil more on weekends since weed is still out of the picture, idk why it is but it still is), watch some videos about i love boosters, watch my pods, then probably another beer and sing my heart our to charm. ok byeee

i just came home from watching i love boosters. it was the “midnight” release at the new parkway. i love that place. the whole time i was thinking about my luka because i realized that i had not left a light on for him. i miss him. this week i’ve been away from him for too long. i wish i could keep him in my sweater. that would be great. and even though i was in the movie theater with a bunch of my friends, who were all there because i forced them to watch this thing they didn’t know was going to be the basis of their personality for the next few weeks, i couldn’t help but feel lonely and think about how i only want to share this with one person so why bother with anyone else being in that packed room. i loved the movie and i literally do not want to talk about it with anyone else. they all had so much to say about it and i could not be bothered to recognize any of their thoughts or even less to open my mouth. i kind of want to write about it now, i kind of don’t. i want it to just sit with me. boots riley has been a very important artist for me for the last 20 years. i was singing the titular song word by word 20 years ago on bart. i was seeing the connections he is still trying to make in his movies, the connections that got through to me because/with his imagination. i miss pam. she was a big part of why i turned it up louder and louder until all the words stuck deep. i don’t want to talk about this movie or any of his work because i don’t want to make it seem like i get it in a way that no else will but fuck it, i do get it in a way that very few will. not to say that my perspective is the only one you can have in order to enjoy his work, but this is very very close to home for me. i’m sure i was the only one in the packed theaer that recognized gaby lala as an extra. the whole intro to the movie was my commute to work for the past 10 years. the references made for film students. even though i feel like i know what’s coming because i am the story that is being told, he still surprises me and inspires me to believe in the connections he’s making. i don’t want to talk about the movie right now. i want to sit with it. what i do need to say right now is that i love when stories are told in their own way. i love when movies or any medium makes me hate the way they are filtered. i am not giving a movie a fucking rating. leave the fucking thing alone. it did wwhat it did. take it or leave it. don’t make try to make it yours. i am tired. POLs were taking, school is ending. new things are happening fast. i mean, i just saw the new boots riley movie. i feel like i just saw sorry to bother you at the premiere yesterday. things are happening too fast. i’m excited to slow down. i’m excited to sleep. i hope i don’t dream.

my children came to see me today. i can’t explain the joy i get when students come back to say hi. specially this group of students and specially these two. they are the people i work for. it makes me so happy to see them doing ok on their own. it makes me so happy to hear they are still friends and doing cool things together. i am so happy for them. this time last year we were all heading to universal studios, during a time that was so heavy for me. heavy in every emotion. and they were the source of every happy joyful proud emotion i had in me that kept me getting up each day. i jokingly said to one of them on stage (and to the crowd, i guess) during their graduation ceremony when i was handing them their diploma that next year was going to be lowkey boring without them and holy shit did that actually come true. this school year has been devoid of fun and spirit. it’s been whatever the opposite of that is. the intentionality was gone, the drive from all parties was gone. everything this year was draining, which last year it was all a harmonious give and take of energy. the longest most tiring, difficult days would fill me up with so much joy. there was always laughter. it makes such a difference to have someone to catch my stupid jokes and hear them laugh, as much as they want to pretend that i’m not even the slightest funny. i miss all the staff, who are my friends, that were fired. i am lucky enough to still connect with them and even get the change to work with them next year. it’s been a long, difficult school year. in almost every way. my health was rough, my mental was gone, my habits destroyed, the kids were difficult (still a joy but holy shit). very draining. i am ready to let it all goooo. anyways. i hope all the people that i was able to reach during my time at this school are doing great. i always remind them how proud and happy i am for them whenever i get the chance. and i the chance to do that today. that’s what it’s all about for me. give give give.

i feel like i've using this space in a very one-sided way. to show the same emotions, stories, ways of being. maybe it has or it hasn't idk. i rarely read stuff back. but i do not want this place to be just about one thing and i do not want to give the impression (to my future self) that this is all there was. everything i've written about definitely does exist and i feel those things very strongly but i also have so much more that i go through. things with friends, actual people, connections with my "tribe". i'm just adjusting to what those connections mean and what they look like. i have for so long focused on the deepest of the deep interpersonal 1 on 1 connection that i forget what other connections should look like. and i forgot that i have them sometimes. these past three days i've been surrounded by people that want to hear me, want to laugh and play with me. sharing food with all of them is my favorite part. it has been hard for me to eat in general this last year. it is always accompanied by an overwhelming sense of loneliness and i just think of food as an afterthought. it's when i eat with people that i remember that i have very rich and valuable connections with people. it's specially special now because i have history with them. they are a part of my story. it's no longer someone that i met and i see every once in a while. now it is someone that i met and see every once in a while consistentnly. it's something i've always wanted since moving to the states, something i had never fully felt like i was in control of. but it's here and i am very lucky. as much as i am used to and want the deeper 1on1 connection, i do like to be reminded that i have a lot. and i am lucky for what i have now and for what i have had in the past. even if at the end of the day i am still yearning or wanting more or whatever. i have so much. why should i be so spoiled. love and close relationships do feel like i am getting spoiled. on top of everything that i have: my brain, my heart, my family, my swag, my kidgybb and stinky turtle, my instruments, my curiousity, why should i ask for anything more? whenever i did have more, all i wanted to do was share those gifts with them. and i do miss that feeling. that's why i hate eating alone. i have a lot to give. it hurts to not know how or not be able to share all that love. but i am learning on how to do that, even if it's in a very different, moderated type of way. i just have so much more to give and i still have to get over that feeling. for now, the sunday scaries aren't as scary, not to say it wasn't a tough day - it was also very sweet and i got to share a lot today and yesterday and the day before that. why should i ask for any more. because i want more. i want more of what i had. i know what to do with it now.

my phone is useless without space. it keeps telling me to free up storage anytime i want to do anything. i can't even open messages because storage full. another noti just came in saying i need to update. i can't, my storage is full. i am not going into my photo library. it's a trap. the phone can stay full idgaf. it's not even doing any phone things. it's just holding stuff. it helps me tune my guitar sometimes. it helps me identify a bird sometimes. but now i can't even do that until i face the past and decide what things need to go so that i can open the other app that tells me there's no future for me. it's a trap. i know how it goes. it's easy, i'll sort by largest video and i can delete stuff. delete. delete. delete. oh wait what's this one. i didn't know this was here or there. when where why. fuck. the storage can stay full. i don't need to open any apps. that bird can stay a ufo. i'll tune the guitar to my own flat moans. it can stay full. update for what. just to put a new gloss over old memories that i didn't know were even there. i didn't know they were there back then either. who's filling up my phone with this stuff? stay full.

i should not have gone on a walk today. as nice as it was, my knee and leg were hurting the whole time. i need rest. i did end up going to band practice (ended at midnight) and i did end up agreeing to doing the may shows (oh boy). i was calling to talk about how i don't want to do any of that but as soon as they answered i instead asked them to pick me up to go to practice. idk how ima do it but ima do it. i'm so tired. i took the reverse path for the walk today. it was a little scary. but it was fun. saw a few fun things. i saw many white little butterflies passing by. i saw two monarchs, maybe 3 idk if i imagined the third one. wishful thinking. it happens a lot during my walks. but the walk ended with a sando and cold brew. it's such a nice sunny day today. i'm glad i went on a walk. i saw a lot of people walking together, lazily, together. i tried to not be cynical but couldn't help to think of the clairo lyric "you wonder if he knows she's gonna run." i think i just have that album in my head a lot, i'm not being purposely cynical or bitter. i'm just a bit sad and a tad lonely. as i typed take luka meowed. i know, kidgybb. i saw an old lady wave at someone, she looked so happy. i'm still thinking at the last time i waved at the air. i'm never going to take a return wave for granted. it looked like that lady had at some point learned the same lesson. we live and learn. i'm looking forward to resting my hips and maybe singing and playing today. before the storm.

i felt like a feather during today's walk. maybe i'm too tired to feel anything. work has been wayy crazyy. i got cussed out a few times, called slurs a few times, all part of the big game. i have felt prepared this week. maybe not last night. i could not sleep. but the rest of the week i've been stepping up to the challenges. being there for everything. trying to take care of myself when i can by not doing much. by going on walks. buying an overwatch skin. i need to get back to the musicbox project. i think it's been like a week since i touched all the cables and stuff, i do not want to let it go. there are so many things i want to do. playing music with the band is not even on the list of stuff in my head. i need to just leave. it just stresses me out and i'm not even having fun. i have been playing a lot of music. more guitar this week than maybe the rest of the year. it feels really nice. real light. a lot of jessica pratt and (still) a lot of pp. i am having fun and learning to sing in ways that i enjoy, maybe it's good? idk. idc. it feels right. it feels good. i dare even say it sounds good. we'll never know. luka knows. luka knows all. i get sad sometimes wishing i had someone to share that with. but i also need to learn how to give myself gifts. that's a good way to practice.

i have a few ideas of things to add to the site. i added the owl house project, a mother's day project. by that i mean i spent the whole day at my parent's house coding in a room while my family was outside. i want time and i'm about to get what i want. i'm kind of scared to get all that time. it feels like sunday everyday and sundays have been scary-er. my chicken is about to be ready. i'm not even hungry.

i'm not sure what to blame for my brain working a little extra today. maybe it was time spent with my family. maybe it was the extra hour of sleep than usual. maybe it was enjoying the brief moments of peace at works. maybe it's with me slowly making people with leaving that place. maybe it's not getting my head all foggy for like 2/3 months now? whatever it has been, i'm grateful for having a little extra headspace for these last weeks with the kids. i'm more patient with them and can be more intentional with my interactions with them. we have a lot of work to do. my hope is that these last few weeks leaves them prepared for the tough year coming ahead. whether they are staying or not, it's goigng to be tough. i went a couple of days without playing the piano but today i got to sit down with it and it felt like the piano was cuddling me. everything i played felt right but it wasn't me doing it. the piano is going to have a tough one too. who keeps the family piano? :(

i joined the dance class today again. i'm the only one that ever stops by, it would only be instructor dancing by herself otherwise. but it's cool because i get to choose the dances to practice and get to feel semi confident going in because it's stuff that i'm already familiar with. my hips feel nice and loose thanks to 'girl like me' by pinkpantheress. and thanks to a bunch of tiktok dance tutorials. it takes a special kind of focus for me to learn choreography. it's very challenging for me in so many ways but it feels good and i know i can do it well so whatever. my brain was firing on extra cylinders after an hour of moving and memorizing the moving. i sat down on the piano afterwards and it felt even better than playing it earlier. there's something to keeping the brain agile and continuing to keep it afterwards. i was surprised too since today was so exhausing but maybe it was the extra hour of sleep than usual. maybe it was holding my baby cousin yesterday. maybe i'm just happy that it isn't sunday anymore. whatever it was, it's running out because i took like seven mini naps while writing all this. i think it's time for a walk.

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“We are most concerned because having experienced joy we know that it prevails and we think that with violence, destructiveness, possessiveness and frustration we are off the track. The transcendent response that is free from and unrelated to the concrete environment is so blissful and seems so much more innocent that we wish to seek to maintain it at the expense of a concrete response. But it is not possible and it is not desirable. We are as though on an adventurous journey and frustration merely points out those things to be avoided and the rest maintains us on our way. We cannot understand the details but we can know the truth about it and accept it all and be contented.
Responding with joy is the path and we should work and eat with joy. The joy counts and nothing else does.”

- Agnes Martin: Writings

in a final desperate attempt to salvage what is left of our humanity, after wrestling with ourselves and each other in a tussle of push and tug of emotions driven by selfish notions that we led ourselves to believe are the truth after forgetting, as we often do, that the only truth is that we are all one and that we must have peace and understanding with each other as we would with ourselves, we try to block out or runaway from the light that set us into motion, from the warmth that gave us life and made us believe is something greater than ourselves.

in both of these examples, zdenka and operation: dark storm, the selfish notions that ultimately lead them to want to separate from the sun are driven by capitalistic ventures that start off as people profiting from labor exploitation and the comidification of convenience until it leads to self-destruction, as capitalism always does.

in salami rose joe louis’ zdenka, big corps run away from the sun only to realize that their spirit dissapears without their connection to the sun. then only then do they realize that it is worth protecting and in the process (maybe) they realize that it’s the only thing that that truly matters so it should not be kept from the masses.

“2080: Major corporations and the governments of the world…were planning to capture enough solar energy to power a super metropolis spaceship on a one-way trip to a distant, habitable, resource-plentiful planet on another galaxy. The spaceship, although large, was designed to host only the most elite earthlings, leaving everyone else behind. Their solar harnessing enterprises resulted in a rapidly cooling sun. The earthlings left behind found themselves on a cold, dark planet and many of them soon discovered that the energy in their bodies was spiritually and physically connected to the sun. Thus everyone started to feel as if they were fading.”

in the animatrix short, the second renaissance, operation: dark storm set to solve their problems by blocking out the sun to kill off the ai instead of making peace with the monster they created.

“In the beginning there was man, and for a time it was good... Then man made the machine in his own likeness. Thus did man become the architect of his own demise…So the leaders of men conceived of their most desperate strategy yet, a final solution; the destruction of the sky.”

similar to zdenka, it wasn’t until humanity saw that life without the sun meant their demise (via machine liquefication) that humanity decided to unite under a common cause, as one.

the complexity of interpersonal relationships, any bond created that can only be compared to the nuclear fusion of the sun, functions much in the same way as the sun does in these two very human, though presented as science, stories. when the bond is formed and the love is felt in ways that stay, in ways that teach you how to understand and appreciate the unknown, the closeness of love can sometimes fogs our visions and lets us lose sight of what it was all for. we put ourselves as an individual in this dance and rely on the other person to fill in those inconsiderate and thougthless voids. we tussle until it becomes too much and you blame the only thing your narrow vision lets you see, the bond, the other person. so you break the bond, you blame the other person. you try to get away from what you foolishly think made you feel incomplete. you try to block out the sun, pretend like it wasn’t there. pretend like it does not need to exist. it’s not until it’s too late that you realize that your spirit and your way of knowing and living is tied to this sun. the more you try to get away from it or completely block it, the more doomed you are. in this analogy there is no traveling at the speed of light. so you are either with your sun or you see distant ones.

consider this a draft. i am running on 3.5 hours of sleep and a long emotional day at school. i finally told admin that i will not be returning, i finally told my 11th grade class that i will not be following them to 12th grade. all of this after a morning that felt like an eternety. i will come back to this when i feel like it. i have to go to a board meeting now and try to not fall asleep.

i can’t stop crying. its everyday. sometimes even at work. idk what to do. i take a shower to stop crying and im crying by the end of it i go to sleep to stop crying only to wake up at 4am and cry again then again while im getting ready to go to work again. it’s every day. i feel like it’s all my fault and it’s no one else’s responsibility. there’s no one to respond to this. no one to understand. no one that i want to keep being too much for. the people that i think are closest to me are only worse off with me getting closer. i can’t close doors when they want to claim they were never blown wide open by them.

i saw a ghost yesterday and i just have to live with never knowing if the ghost saw me. i wouldn’t wish that moment on anyone. i hope that most people have more courage than i do to do what needs to be done to not live in doubt and uncertainty. i wish i could put myself first for once and do what i need to do to feel better even if it means slightly inconveniencing others for just to a minute in order to free myself from. but idk what it is about me that there is such thing as slight anything with me. i am either throwing the biggest wrench into the wheel of your life or i become the axel. no in between. and i can’t risk throwing anything else off. not again. not anymore. even if it’s just for a minute so that i can get invaluable clarity that frees me from this cycle. i can’t bring myself to do it. i’m scared. idk what to do. i’ll just keep living in uncertainty i guess until i forget or something i guess. i really don’t know.

i don’t know if it’s being sober that’s making it harder. if it’s my memory. i’m feeling to much. always. that’s the problem? trying to figure out why it’s like this now. selective memory? i wasn’t strong enough? this is all i’ve known? it’s all i’ve had? it’s all i’ve wanted? i did this? idk.

i got a call with an offer to start a new job. i think that’s what i wanted. the call came just as i got up to leave the shitshow of a staff meeting at the sinking ship that is my job and my second home. i answered right away, walked to my room next door and accepted the job offer. idk what to expect. i’m happy i guess. trying to figure out what to feel. there’s too much going on for me to worry about ghosts. but this place is haunted. i’m the haunted mansion.

what a day it has been and it’s barely 10:03am. i did fall asleep kinda late and i did wake up too early for a sunday so it makes sense why i feel like i’ve had a whole day already. i went on my walk again, got some coffee first tho. walkin drink. at the shop i saw a dog that looked like someone i never met. and i saw an artist i met before and used to follow on instagram until i decided that i didn’t need to see their face everyday. they dont need to know any of that and they didnt remember me and i dont know why im like that. those apps are complex makers and nourishers. anyways. i got a coffee (hella good) and a pastry (hella expensive) and went on my way. still enjoying the new headphones. it was a big reason why i decided to take the longest way home. to enjoy the music. and i enjoy the music i did. still enjoying it rn. surking - usa (album). such a good sunday morning hazy walk soundtrack. it was a top 5 walk ever. the mist appeared out of nowhere. after the breeze. i might as well have been walking next to the ocean. everything felt so so so good. things made sense. and i just kept walking and appreciating it. i wonder if this moment would have happened without me listening to a song that made me cry before i left the house. it’s all part of the same thing. there are so many songs named lovesick. bob dylan is the one i knew about first, i do love that song very much. this one was alice phoebe lou, who i suddenly appreciate. really really fun, cute, sad song. very much my vibe.

my legs hella hurt. the left one more than the other, my knee is fucked or something. i stood for a long time yesterday. mala greña played a weird show last night at some commune frathouse in stanford. it was cute but nothing worked as usual. we didn’t play what we planned as usual. the person setting up the sound started putting together a drumset while we were unloading things. we didn’t have a drummer for that gig and i overheard michael tell them that we didn’t need the drumset so i rushed over and told them that it was already set up and that i’d play it. so i played drums for the set lol. it was so much fun. but other than that it was a lot of standing and a lot of not stretching and being dehydrated. we all wanted to get the fuck out asap and we kind of did. i was glad to be home before midnight. i like being around them more than i like playing music. there are a lot of shows coming up this month along with all the other heavy lifting i have to do during this last month of school. my last month at aia. so much to do. but right now it’s still sunday morning and the coffe is telling me it’s overwatch time.

anyway. fell asleep with html code in my face last night. i am here now because i have unfinished thoughts. i got rid of my apps, again, because they were hurting me. sure it’s fully my fault but also no it isn’t. that sense of not knowing where to put the blame is driving me crazy. so just like that same computer said, the only way to win is to not play. i don’t play. so yesterday’s telegraph adventure felt extra isolating because i didn’t have the instagram or the tiktokies. it was a lot to go through after only a couple of days of not having them and it was hard. it right away i felt like i was in control though, right away i felt like i wasn’t beholden to anyone about my thoughts, specially my creative ones. i am falling asleep again. i am so tired. i got new headphones today. they are too kewl. the first song i heard on them was kylie minogue - come into my world. soo cool and soo nice. i am excited to go on a walk with them. i also forgot my headphones yesterday so that definitely made the walk around telegraph a lot more immediate and present, which is actually what i might have asking for. if i’m going to be fully present then i need to accept what was and what isn’t and what is. knowing full well that specific places could destroy me. fuck me up i guess. idk if it’s for the best but i know it needs to be done and i will come out there side stronger, in some way. idk yet. can’t get you out of my head is blasting on my brand new cute headphones. seems like an appropriate time to end this and roll around bed to the beat.

who wore it better?

i just got back from the movies. been going to the movies a lot. going to keep going to the movies a lot. i got my preferred couch at the movies now. i saw spice world tonight and the animatrix a week ago. how can i complain. i finally made it to the kpop store that’s on the same street as my favorite record store next to my favorite bar next my favorite movie theater. i’ve always wanted to have a “spot”. and sometimes it takes going to the same area for over 10 years to finally realize that that’s my spot. i’ve lived in oakland for longer than i’ve lived anywhere else. 16 years now in oakland. 9 years at AIA. but that’s about to change. it’s pretty much a done deal, i have another job. somewhere that feels far but the distance is just about the same from my little room. it’s going to be a big transition but it needed to happen a while back ago. i’m really happy and glad that it is happening now. a lot of changes are happening. AIA is set to close at the end of next year. but i’m out before that, hopefully 95% sure. i have a lot to reflect on and i’m sure i’ll do some more of that here at a later time.

but back to the day that was today. i felt very present today. i felt a lot today. i cried at work, i cried on telegraph st. i didn’t know what to do so i just walked. i had so much time to kill before spice world started. it was just me and telegraph. i got a record. i got a cd. i met the owner of the kpop shop and she gave me some free newjeans cards. i drank then i drank again. i looked through all the newjeans books i bought while at the bar. i also updated some html for this site then i went and had dinner and continued to look at all the newjeans stuff. then i went from the new school newjeans to the old school spice girls. i love it all. the movie was so funny. i was able to stay present the most while watching the movie. outside of that, i was all over the place. confronting and denying things that my whole body wants me to do. i felt the least alone and then the most alone and then kind of ok again then being the most alone again,. i’m falling asleep as a i write this. it’s not today anymore. it is friday now.

‧₊˚♪too much of something is bad enough‧ But something's coming over me to make me wonder Too much of nothing is just as tough I need to know the way to feel to keep me satisfied‧₊˚♪

i can't listen to just one song. i don't just casually like stuff i either love it with my all or nothing. the whole album has been taking me to places that i want to stay. it first got it's grip on me around winter break when i said fuck it im learning juna on piano. always starting off with the most difficult. that's just how i do. always ready to struggle and learn. and i did. but now it's the song i use to warm up. every song is so fun to sing and play on any instrument. every song is so nicely produced and sounds soooo good. the lyrics are always the last part that i pay attention to when i listen to new music. partly because i have some sort of listening comprehansion impairement, specially when there is so much else going on. but damn i picked a weird time to start paying attention to the words. it still is a weird time. but it helps to sing. one of the things i noticed since i've stopped smoking is that i wasn't enjoying or feeling as great about my singing. not that it was ever anything special but smoking was def helping me hone that skill and find a way to connect with the words. but that is slowly going away. i've learned so much from each song. new ways of thinknig of the piano. new ways to play chords. my fingers go faster and they do their own thing. this is all pretty normal as far as learning from some of my favorite albums but this one is pushing and pulling me in ways that i can't explain, yet. other albums like faye webster's or weyes blood's or drugdealers' or way back in the day with the white stripes all speak to me in a way that makes me want to speak back. it's the closest thing i got to religion or worship. not in an idol type of way but in a take and give type of way. in the type of way that it makes you grateful for the world and it makes me want to give back to the world. i know my favorite song is echo because it does what very few songs do to me. i get me to stfu and sit still. i just want to hear it and want nothing to do with it. i just want to be a witness. glory of the snow always guts me. all the references to the moon make me spiral, mostly upwards.

a student asked me the other day what i was playing on the piano during lunch break. i think i was playing add up my love and i told him "oh, just a sad song," and he says "ed doesn't play sad songs. you don't seem like the type of person to be sad." LOL

i dusted off the old raspberry pi during spring break and that’s about all i did with it then. i did come up with a lot of ideas and ran into the same old choice anxiety when trying to decide what to do with the pi. i originally got the pi like five years ago or so when i had the idea of making a music lock. i still want to make it but it was a bit ambitious as a first-time raspberry pi project. music lock = think of the scene in willy wonka and the chocolate factory when mr wonka plays the small keyboard in order to unlock the door to the factory. i wanted to learn all about raspberry pis and the programming that goes into it in order to do just that. i got a lot of the parts but kept running into big roadblocks so i eventually let it go. now with the cyberdecks all over my feeds, i decided to dust it off and see if i can make something out of that old pi. i’m going to make a page on the site dedicated to the process and progress of this new project. but in order to plant the idea on the site now, i can best explain it as a musicbox. a little tin box that plays music when you open it. with a screen that has winamp skins and a few cool keys to skip and play and all that.

i was able to successfully get the os running and install and modify a few things in the settings. i am currently in the process of unbreaking whatever i did to it in that short time. we’ll see. i bought the axolotl sombra skin on overwatch today and played only sombra. while i was working on the pi i let evil spotify (which the music box will replace) play its daylist. the name of it was “beats and breaks hacker tuesday night.” fuck spotify and fuck all these apps that know wayyy too much. i will replace them all.

i started the day by hacking through my emotions on the rainy morning by immediately playing faye webster music videos on the classroom tv as soon as i got to work. it got me through a lot. the kids liked the music. i liked feeling. we starting working on scientific illustrations of plants in art class. i looked for a video to help guide us and the first one i stumbled across was John Muir Laws. damn it. i couldn’t hack myself out of that one. we went out to the garden to find stuff to draw and so that i can hide the tiny tears amongst the mist and the even smaller raindrops. the only way out is through or sumshit.

this weekend i spent a majority of my energy keeping myself from doing things my heart and soul were screaming for me to do. and that’s saying a lot since i also deep cleaned the most i have in over a year. that sweat was nothing compared to the tears that were squeezed out of my as i held my whole body under the foot of the bigger Me. it’s in moments like this that everything feels upside down. i thought life was all about doing whatever you wanted but lately it’s been all about keeping myself from doing just that. today is 420 and i have no desire to smell that stank. i haven’t been wanting to for a while. my love for the plant remains but it seems right to keep it a distance. up is down. i am applying to work at a different school next year. after nine years of giving my everything to this place that i have worked so hard to build i am now actively doing something about moving on. down is up. i hardly recognize that place anymore. it’s been sad to be on the ship as it sinks but i know what i’ve been doing. i’ve seen people come and go but i never held it against them. i have for once been at the right place at the right time but time is up. up is down. i’ll reflect more on that place once everything happens, if it actually does, which is looking like it will.
i started looking for a new therapist. hopefully starting therapy again will make this place be less about my feefees and more about exploring new ideas. but whatever it’s my website and i’ll cry if i want to.

these darn kids. working with a bunch of kids with so much to say is really a blessing for someone like myself that loves to listen. i am so fully immersed in my work though that it can be hard to interface with anything outside of work. sometimes i feel out of sorts when hanging out with friends because i forget what that's like. specially right now. the sudden change between being alone (cat company not included) for so long and then being surrounded by a bunch of kids constantly calling my name has become a rhytmn that i've grown comfortable with. even if it is very disorienting. but the pluses way outweigh any negatives. i get to see so many perspectives. i feel like i am not only seeing the child but the whole family. i get to see their roles in that family. i get to see them challenge those roles. i get to hear them go through a rollercoaster of emotions. i never forget that i was once there. and it honestly makes me feel weird because my teenage years were not that much of a rollercoaster. maybe because i was so quiet and shy during those years and so engulfed by all my favorite media that i didn't get a chance to have wild outburts of lows and highs. in some ways i am more like them now then i was when i was their age. i was always hyper aware but now i got experience to back up that awareness. i am like them in the sense that i am growing out of things and trying to feel comfortable getting used to a new era in my life. i guess that never goes away. for a long time i would make myself believe that i was in some form of arrested development because of my never ending wonder and curiousity and naivete. but now i realize that those things are actually a sign of development. it's a form of wanderlust. and my travels have led me here. in a room full of kids. all of them thinking and feeling the most extreme emotions and thoughts they have experienced in their whole lives. and i'm here just to help them stand right-side up. somewhere in between all that i also try to teach them things. but they already know stuff, it's getting them to realize that which is the hard part. behavioral issues never go away. we all act out and will continue to do so. we just grow out of having people calling us out for it and having petty consequences to this very natural expression. i'm happy these kids want to share so much of their moments with me. sitting in a room full of them doing their own thing is when i feel like all my work (in every sense of the word) was not for nothing. it was all preparing me for this. not just to be able to be there for them but to be able to appreciate it too. and i do appreciate it so much.

i went on a walk again. i went nowhere again. i hit a wall again. i walked through the wall again. then hit it again. i am where i started. so i just walked. i know this is a new place for me but it feels too familiar. i am not allowing myself to feel anything new. or maybe i just can't. everything is scary. the only place i can be ok is. actually idk. maybe it's not a place. maybe it's a time. maybe i just don't feel great now. now lasts so long. i didn't even know how long it had been going for until i allowed myself to write. here i am again walking in the now now. maybe this is fine. maybe this will inevitably lead me to create more and learn more. maybe when i am not so tired. maybe when it feels good. maybe not now.

i'm sure i'll be fine. i'm probably fine now. just too many things at once but nothing at the same time. i'm probably fine. as long as i start to accept now as fine. soon. maybe i'll go for a walk.

i am so glad i have a piano and a drum kit at work. they are my work desks. pretty much. they make me feel good. everyone at work praises me for doing so much and for being so availble all the time. for always being up to something. i do it all for the same reason i walk. i can't help it. it's the only thing left to do.

i like typing for no reason. leaving these letters here like little seeds. little seeds is a cool band name. drugdealer is playing in sf tonight and i have no desire to leave my place. unless it is to walk. i can't be in crowds right now. last time i was in a crowd i wanted to fight anyone that played into my delusions. not really but it felt that way. i feel like i have squiggly lines all around me when i go out. i just get sad. i don't need to see the same band again and again. last time i saw them i was just mean mugging everyone. i am excited for outsidelands though. so much walking to look forward to.

idk where i’ve been. no me pregunten shit. it’s been rough. idk how it’s already april. hibernation would be putting it lightly. idk where i’ve been. all over the place but stiller than ever. i feel like i don’t even know the person that made the previous post. but anyways. i have to make myself see a light to reach for. i last posted on here as i was starting my thanksgiving break and now here i am about to end my spring break. i haven’t had many ideas since then. i’ve wanting to have ideas pero nada. i lost my lil dumb phone and went back to the big stupid ass phone. another lil phone is on its way. i can’t wait. i need to get off the apps, me hacen mucho daño. it’s too easy. too easy to get into bad patterns. this has been a time of starting (keyword) to break patterns. some habits have kind of just disappeared, idk how or when but they been gone. some thing are still there and i am so happy for that. my luka and my piano. and my voice. so much to sing. so much to say. damn i’m tired. damn. DAMN

ANYWAYS, for real this time. i never wanted this site or this place to be a spot for me to let it all out but i wanted to add something, anything to this site as a way to maybe start another habit. so i’m just letting spilling it onto the keys. it feels good. i hope i can look back on this post with more energy. i hope i have more ideas and thoughts to fill this site and bury this post. anyways, i still believe, somehow. a ver que.

i’ve been writing this as i watch major lazer’s coachella live stream. they just brought MIA out. i was half expecting it when i heard the bucky done gun drum fill like 30 minutes ago. i jumped. i sang. just like i have all weekend watching these damn streams. idc, i love them and they make me happy. it’s all i got. but even watching that was hard, specially friday. ok ya pues.

the show was finally played. a lot was learned. it was not my favorite but it also was my favorite. it was very cute. keep it cute. that’s what i learned. i am still recovering. physically and otherwise. i need a few days to not talk to anyone unless its to tell them to heal me. i was struggling right before the performance, the whole week and minutes leading up to the performance. partly it was overthinking and general anxiety but there was also a sense of unpreparedness, which i mostly blame myself for. but i didn’t have the drive and i didn’t have the energy. school is taking a lot of energy. and it’s not giving as much back. i don’t know if it ever will. more of that later.

i am now on turkey break. i have a lot of time all of the sudden. no performances to prepare for and no work for a week. i only plan to tidy up here and there but mostly here. i am trying to dive deep in the html of it all. i am looking forward to a deep dive into an ocean of blankets. upgrading dog’s tank. spoiling luka. playing playing playing. playing.

‧₊˚♪ it’s getting darker in the city𝄞₊˚⊹

omg why did i wait this long to write this. omfg it’s been a long week. the days before and days after the pinkpantheress show were stretched and full of mud. the show itself, was the show itself. omfg. i was present. i was there. all there. i felt there. i was there. there were so many great moments, i had so much fun. i danced and jumped and screamed. i was there. when the opening dj played newjeans on a loop while ai voice SpongeBob welcomes the audience, i knew i was in the right place at the right time. finally. it has been feeling more and more like that lately. or at least i’m beginning to recognize the moment when it is there. i sang so much. i instinctively waved at her when she looked my way and she waved back. why is she obsessed with me. i can’t believe that i even had the thought of possibly not going. there was a lot of stuff going on leading up to the show. i’ve been feeling so weird. weirdly ok. it’s like that little caesars meme but instead of little caesars its self acceptance.

i added a bunch of stuff to the site last week. started a lot of new ideas that remain unfinished. i’ll get to it. i have to learn some songs for a show that i do not really want to play. i am ready to hibernate. i am ready to disappear in the fog. i’m ready to be with my luka cat in the blankets. lucky me has next week off. weeeeeee

i come here with noplan or ideas. the site is starting to looking something like what i started to imagine just a couple of years ago. the main project that started the site is still the furthest from being done. but that's for me to decide, later. i've been taking more naps since i got rid of the insta and tiktok. i'm very much looking forward to more rest time. 4 days this time, then a week off in a few. then christmas time. oh chrtimas tree.

i'm feeling ok with missing stuff. as long as i don't miss the stuff i want to do. because that can happen very fast too. i need to focus, so many things to focus on. all the time. how do i find the time to get level 50 lucio. idk. it's like one can't exist without the other. pink is almost here. i need to prepare and relax and freak out.

after trying for two days and making zero progress on the completely working and completely finished tv on the page that got you here, i asked ai to check my code and help me achieve my desired goals. it helped me. i learned from it but i still didn’t like it. i added a few more things to the page, type of things that i learned from the ai code. fucking shit. i’d rather steal.

my heart also folded last night, like the empty chairs around me as the symphony started with “kind of”. i loved the faye show so much. i felt like an angel. like i was where i was supposed to be. it meant a lot to me to finally get to that day and feel everything i knew i was going to feel. it was great.

pinkpantheress is next week. i am very ready to change the tempo. i gotta get on that.

i did it. i’m doing it. the lil dumb phone is here. i’m getting used to it. learning to not be scared of it. because it acts weird and misses things and it’s new but so old. it has not fixed me?

i’m back on making my site pretty. i’m learning a lot. it’s a lot of relearning and then learning it one more time and then learning that i don’t like any of it so i have to start over. it’s been fun. it’s been fun to feel like i have time for things. i have a lot of cool ideas and i want to stop feeling like i have to do it all alone. i’m excited to add more to it. more than me.

i know that for me the phone/soc media detox was not about not being on that dang computer because i’ve been on the dang puter so much more. it’s a place that continues to be new and exciting when i dive in the right places. the complexity that the computer adds to everything i love is exciting. it reminds me of the moon, the com-pu-ter.

i will now go and prepare for the next two very intense weeks, which include faye and pink. in another universe i get to see all the artists on my wall in one month, in another world newjeans is touring rn. long live njz

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎

not again. this time is different. i was never gone. i have come back from right here. this time with a focused intent. i have left again, not again like last time but for real this time. i left the socmed, the instagram and the tiktok. i have been wanting to for a while, after two years on and two years off it was finally time for another two of whatever comes next. i have many reasons for not wanting to play that game anymore. some are very personal and for my wellbeing. also, i want to stop carrying around that damn phone all the time. i am close to being able to. just need to figure out how to get myself around. about that. working on it. another reason for me to want to retire from the social medias is the scary times we live in where the tech life is reaching an apex and it has gone beyond normalized, soon required. it already is but can mitigate it. at least i can so why shouldn’t i. the way these are being used by the powers is very scary. it’s very scary how effective it is. the way these apps are using us is also very scary. i am afraid. but the fear doesn’t come out of ignorance, or confusion. i’m scared of how real it is and how much it’s taking down with it:

the environment

the appreciation for each other

the human potential

the connection - the rope

the default interconnectedness of it all

the value of being

my job



so much shit. i clearly need to flesh it out more. whatever i can’t say is kind of forgotten because of the gut feeling that i have that what i am doing is right for me. and all of this is just for me. everyone that chooses to participate does not lack the things i listed before or is wanting to get rid of those things. it’s just me. maybe some other people too. probably.

i bought a small tiny phone. it is on it’s way to me from china. idk how long that will take. i have definitely created a strange relationship to technology. i love it, i can wield it. but as much self control as i think i have, i am still no match for the mind games that comes with the brainless scrolling. i want to be more for real about what i believe. live it. i want to see things for what they are without any added stories or filters. i hope AI loses it’s name and starts being called what it really is. that’ll be another focus point for next time. sooner this time. not again.

yea not this time. the heat is hopefully done. the school year is going. got to talk about the war of the worlds radio broadcast today. it's fun until you have to do it three different times. booooring.

new lumines demo dropped on a random monday morning or something like that. i was very excited. so excited i started working on the game again. again. doing more focused tutorials for now to get back into the groove of unity and c. i think it's a really good idea. we shall see.

updates for myself mostly. mostly for the future. moistly.

i've been getting a lot. a lot of good times with games and friends. cards. things that i need to do. responsibilities. i cleaned my room. the walls are pretty now.

for myself mostly.

i will come back more frequent. more focused.

it’s so fuckibg hot godddddd damnnn i know convenience and comfort are the enemy but godddd ddnaaaammmbnnnn it’s 90 in my place. i have no reason to be inside but god damn i am tired. i can go to the water. i can go to a movie theater with ac. i do want to watch weapons. i am still thinking about beau. why didn’t i see it earlier. do i not have anyone in my life that cares about me enough to force my ass in the theater seat. whatever. i am going to go out of my way to see edington too. never again.

after a long day of explaining to teenagers the importance of media literacy and speaking about them behind their back to other teachers, referring to their cellphones as pacifists for overgrown babies, i am back home ready for my own pacifier. i am surprised that i am not yet tired or bored of teaching media studies. maybe it is because i feel like i am constantly playing catchup with current events and trying to find a way to make it digestible for my kids. there is a lot at stake, so i try to be the first person to reach them with a specific story or idea. my hope is that after a few months of my class, the cricket in their ear (me) will speak to them about all the media they come across.

i think it is always important to relate the subjects you are teaching to things happening in our lives and to include yourself as the teacher. i tell them that i am also a student of media studies, i also have to interface with thousands of messages per day and that none of us are immune to misinformation, bias, and error. i realized as i was prepping for the class that i use a lot of metaphors from movies to explain the importance of media literacy so this year i will be showing a lot of clips to help drive the main point of whatever topic we are discussing. for example, today i showed them the wizard of oz scene where the wizard gets uncovered. “pay no mind to the man behind the curtain.” i always think of that quote when it comes to understanding systems and media. i hope they understood what i was going for.

i will now go and let myself be consumed by the same thing i told the kids to watch out for. at least i am aware of my own demise. that must be worth something.

there is so much to do and i want to do none of it. maybe i want to do some of it. i am getting kind of stuck in doing the same things in the same ways. i have so many expectations for this site. it has to hold all of my ideas while also giving me a sense of self-directed purpose. i did not write as much as i wanted to this week, it still feels like i am trying to write. but that’s exactly what i need to do, just write and be ok with it being there. i will stop writing about my writing now.

this weekend had a lot of baldur’s gate 3 and i finally watched beau is afraid, which i really really loved. it demanded my attention when i was trying to do everything but sit down and focus on one thing. my favorite part of the movie while watching it was the sound and my favorite part to keep thinking about is about how there are three possibilities on what’s actually happening in beau’s world. either (1) it is all psychosis, all the horrors exist only in his head because the horrible things he grew up with shaped the trauma he continues to live with. it could also (2) be part psychosis and part orchestrated madness. or (3) all of the horrors in his life are orchestrated and he has had zero sense of the real world. i think the movies leans into 3 more than the others and i think i lean that way too.

i love when movies have me thinking about the format and the genre, it can really mess with your expectations. it can help directly explain bizarre themes through feeling and vibe, the type of things that might otherwise be lost through explanation.

i will watch weapons this week.

second day of school on my 8ish years teaching. i have not tried writting shit in that time. i need to find my writing voice, again. so i will just be word vomitting until it feels natural.

this was largely inspired by smile.rip, which also greatly inspired the website overall. i have a lot of plans for the website. primarily to be a hub for all the random shit i do. it all has some sort of digital component that can be uploaded and shared. the container being a website for all those projects also gives me more ways of seeing the project through by giving it a place where it'll feel like home.

i think setting intentions as my first post is the best way i can honor the beginning of a new school year. after a whole day of creating classroom agreements and goals for the year, it feels natural. i want to be able to feel ok about writing whatever. i want it to be it's own thing, not attached to any incentive other than the satisfaction of seeing a page full of my own words. i never could keep a livejournal or anything like that for longer than three 3 days, tumblr was the closest thing i've gotten to creating my own site since the geocities days. i obviously like sharing. i was an early adopter of all the social media apps, which has only taken me further away from my own space on the web. i want these writing to be an example, even if only for myself. i don't want this to feel weird or self-entitled. i have a lot to say. the biggest satisfaction that any creative projects of mine have brought is that it can only exist outside of any of the big websites. soundcloud and tumblr were the last time like i felt like i had total control of how i wanted to share a thought or a whole project. sometimes i have shit to say and pictures to share but i don't want to add the social media perception, all the individual baggage that we attach to each app. it changes the meaning too much. i want to have control over who is profiting over something i think is woth sharing. i want it to exist outside of any systems that only exist to use and hurt my peoples. that motivation is also what keeps me being a media studies teacher. the internet has not been ok for a long time. it hasn't transformed, it was tamed. seeing the internet as a place where i can just create things like this is a reminder that we have so many tools, so many systems that we can shape to work for us.

i hope to keep writting.