these darn kids. working with a bunch of kids with so much to say is really a blessing for someone like myself that loves to listen. i am so fully immersed in my work though that it can be hard to interface with anything outside of work. sometimes i feel out of sorts when hanging out with friends because i forget what that's like. specially right now. the sudden change between being alone (cat company not included) for so long and then being surrounded by a bunch of kids constantly calling my name has become a rhytmn that i've grown comfortable with. even if it is very disorienting. but the pluses way outweigh any negatives. i get to see so many perspectives. i feel like i am not only seeing the child but the whole family. i get to see their roles in that family. i get to see them challenge those roles. i get to hear them go through a rollercoaster of emotions. i never forget that i was once there. and it honestly makes me feel weird because my teenage years were not that much of a rollercoaster. maybe because i was so quiet and shy during those years and so engulfed by all my favorite media that i didn't get a chance to have wild outburts of lows and highs. in some ways i am more like them now then i was when i was their age. i was always hyper aware but now i got experience to back up that awareness. i am like them in the sense that i am growing out of things and trying to feel comfortable getting used to a new era in my life. i guess that never goes away. for a long time i would make myself believe that i was in some form of arrested development because of my never ending wonder and curiousity and naivete. but now i realize that those things are actually a sign of development. it's a form of wanderlust. and my travels have led me here. in a room full of kids. all of them thinking and feeling the most extreme emotions and thoughts they have experienced in their whole lives. and i'm here just to help them stand right-side up. somewhere in between all that i also try to teach them things. but they already know stuff, it's getting them to realize that which is the hard part. behavioral issues never go away. we all act out and will continue to do so. we just grow out of having people calling us out for it and having petty consequences to this very natural expression. i'm happy these kids want to share so much of their moments with me. sitting in a room full of them doing their own thing is when i feel like all my work (in every sense of the word) was not for nothing. it was all preparing me for this. not just to be able to be there for them but to be able to appreciate it too. and i do appreciate it so much.

i went on a walk again. i went nowhere again. i hit a wall again. i walked through the wall again. then hit it again. i am where i started. so i just walked. i know this is a new place for me but it feels too familiar. i am not allowing myself to feel anything new. or maybe i just can't. everything is scary. the only place i can be ok is. actually idk. maybe it's not a place. maybe it's a time. maybe i just don't feel great now. now lasts so long. i didn't even know how long it had been going for until i allowed myself to write. here i am again walking in the now now. maybe this is fine. maybe this will inevitably lead me to create more and learn more. maybe when i am not so tired. maybe when it feels good. maybe not now.
i'm sure i'll be fine. i'm probably fine now. just too many things at once but nothing at the same time. i'm probably fine. as long as i start to accept now as fine. soon. maybe i'll go for a walk.
i am so glad i have a piano and a drum kit at work. they are my work desks. pretty much. they make me feel good. everyone at work praises me for doing so much and for being so availble all the time. for always being up to something. i do it all for the same reason i walk. i can't help it. it's the only thing left to do.
i like typing for no reason. leaving these letters here like little seeds. little seeds is a cool band name. drugdealer is playing in sf tonight and i have no desire to leave my place. unless it is to walk. i can't be in crowds right now. last time i was in a crowd i wanted to fight anyone that played into my delusions. not really but it felt that way. i feel like i have squiggly lines all around me when i go out. i just get sad. i don't need to see the same band again and again. last time i saw them i was just mean mugging everyone. i am excited for outsidelands though. so much walking to look forward to.

idk where i’ve been. no me pregunten shit. it’s been rough. idk how it’s already april. hibernation would be putting it lightly. idk where i’ve been. all over the place but stiller than ever. i feel like i don’t even know the person that made the previous post. but anyways. i have to make myself see a light to reach for. i last posted on here as i was starting my thanksgiving break and now here i am about to end my spring break. i haven’t had many ideas since then. i’ve wanting to have ideas pero nada. i lost my lil dumb phone and went back to the big stupid ass phone. another lil phone is on its way. i can’t wait. i need to get off the apps, me hacen mucho daño. it’s too easy. too easy to get into bad patterns. this has been a time of starting (keyword) to break patterns. some habits have kind of just disappeared, idk how or when but they been gone. some thing are still there and i am so happy for that. my luka and my piano. and my voice. so much to sing. so much to say. damn i’m tired. damn. DAMN

ANYWAYS, for real this time. i never wanted this site or this place to be a spot for me to let it all out but i wanted to add something, anything to this site as a way to maybe start another habit. so i’m just letting spilling it onto the keys. it feels good. i hope i can look back on this post with more energy. i hope i have more ideas and thoughts to fill this site and bury this post. anyways, i still believe, somehow. a ver que.

i’ve been writing this as i watch major lazer’s coachella live stream. they just brought MIA out. i was half expecting it when i heard the bucky done gun drum fill like 30 minutes ago. i jumped. i sang. just like i have all weekend watching these damn streams. idc, i love them and they make me happy. it’s all i got. but even watching that was hard, specially friday. ok ya pues.

the show was finally played. a lot was learned. it was not my favorite but it also was my favorite. it was very cute. keep it cute. that’s what i learned. i am still recovering. physically and otherwise. i need a few days to not talk to anyone unless its to tell them to heal me. i was struggling right before the performance, the whole week and minutes leading up to the performance. partly it was overthinking and general anxiety but there was also a sense of unpreparedness, which i mostly blame myself for. but i didn’t have the drive and i didn’t have the energy. school is taking a lot of energy. and it’s not giving as much back. i don’t know if it ever will. more of that later.

i am now on turkey break. i have a lot of time all of the sudden. no performances to prepare for and no work for a week. i only plan to tidy up here and there but mostly here. i am trying to dive deep in the html of it all. i am looking forward to a deep dive into an ocean of blankets. upgrading dog’s tank. spoiling luka. playing playing playing. playing.

‧₊˚♪ it’s getting darker in the city𝄞₊˚⊹

omg why did i wait this long to write this. omfg it’s been a long week. the days before and days after the pinkpantheress show were stretched and full of mud. the show itself, was the show itself. omfg. i was present. i was there. all there. i felt there. i was there. there were so many great moments, i had so much fun. i danced and jumped and screamed. i was there. when the opening dj played newjeans on a loop while ai voice SpongeBob welcomes the audience, i knew i was in the right place at the right time. finally. it has been feeling more and more like that lately. or at least i’m beginning to recognize the moment when it is there. i sang so much. i instinctively waved at her when she looked my way and she waved back. why is she obsessed with me. i can’t believe that i even had the thought of possibly not going. there was a lot of stuff going on leading up to the show. i’ve been feeling so weird. weirdly ok. it’s like that little caesars meme but instead of little caesars its self acceptance. i added a bunch of stuff to the site last week. started a lot of new ideas that remain unfinished. i’ll get to it. i have to learn some songs for a show that i do not really want to play. i am ready to hibernate. i am ready to disappear in the fog. i’m ready to be with my luka cat in the blankets. lucky me has next week off. weeeeeee

i come here with noplan or ideas. the site is starting to looking something like what i started to imagine just a couple of years ago. the main project that started the site is still the furthest from being done. but that's for me to decide, later. i've been taking more naps since i got rid of the insta and tiktok. i'm very much looking forward to more rest time. 4 days this time, then a week off in a few. then christmas time. oh chrtimas tree.

i'm feeling ok with missing stuff. as long as i don't miss the stuff i want to do. because that can happen very fast too. i need to focus, so many things to focus on. all the time. how do i find the time to get level 50 lucio. idk. it's like one can't exist without the other. pink is almost here. i need to prepare and relax and freak out.

after trying for two days and making zero progress on the completely working and completely finished tv on the page that got you here, i asked ai to check my code and help me achieve my desired goals. it helped me. i learned from it but i still didn’t like it. i added a few more things to the page, type of things that i learned from the ai code. fucking shit. i’d rather steal.

my heart also folded last night, like the empty chairs around me as the symphony started with “kind of”. i loved the faye show so much. i felt like an angel. like i was where i was supposed to be. it meant a lot to me to finally get to that day and feel everything i knew i was going to feel. it was great.

pinkpantheress is next week. i am very ready to change the tempo. i gotta get on that.

i did it. i’m doing it. the lil dumb phone is here. i’m getting used to it. learning to not be scared of it. because it acts weird and misses things and it’s new but so old. it has not fixed me?
i’m back on making my site pretty. i’m learning a lot. it’s a lot of relearning and then learning it one more time and then learning that i don’t like any of it so i have to start over. it’s been fun. it’s been fun to feel like i have time for things. i have a lot of cool ideas and i want to stop feeling like i have to do it all alone. i’m excited to add more to it. more than me.
i know that for me the phone/soc media detox was not about not being on that dang computer because i’ve been on the dang puter so much more. it’s a place that continues to be new and exciting when i dive in the right places. the complexity that the computer adds to everything i love is exciting. it reminds me of the moon, the com-pu-ter.
i will now go and prepare for the next two very intense weeks, which include faye and pink. in another universe i get to see all the artists on my wall in one month, in another world newjeans is touring rn. long live njz
₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎

not again. this time is different. i was never gone. i have come back from right here. this time with a focused intent. i have left again, not again like last time but for real this time. i left the socmed, the instagram and the tiktok. i have been wanting to for a while, after two years on and two years off it was finally time for another two of whatever comes next. i have many reasons for not wanting to play that game anymore. some are very personal and for my wellbeing. also, i want to stop carrying around that damn phone all the time. i am close to being able to. just need to figure out how to get myself around. about that. working on it. another reason for me to want to retire from the social medias is the scary times we live in where the tech life is reaching an apex and it has gone beyond normalized, soon required. it already is but can mitigate it. at least i can so why shouldn’t i. the way these are being used by the powers is very scary. it’s very scary how effective it is. the way these apps are using us is also very scary. i am afraid. but the fear doesn’t come out of ignorance, or confusion. i’m scared of how real it is and how much it’s taking down with it:

the environment
the appreciation for each other
the human potential
the connection - the rope
the default interconnectedness of it all
the value of being
my job


so much shit. i clearly need to flesh it out more. whatever i can’t say is kind of forgotten because of the gut feeling that i have that what i am doing is right for me. and all of this is just for me. everyone that chooses to participate does not lack the things i listed before or is wanting to get rid of those things. it’s just me. maybe some other people too. probably.

i bought a small tiny phone. it is on it’s way to me from china. idk how long that will take. i have definitely created a strange relationship to technology. i love it, i can wield it. but as much self control as i think i have, i am still no match for the mind games that comes with the brainless scrolling. i want to be more for real about what i believe. live it. i want to see things for what they are without any added stories or filters. i hope AI loses it’s name and starts being called what it really is. that’ll be another focus point for next time. sooner this time. not again.

yea not this time. the heat is hopefully done. the school year is going. got to talk about the war of the worlds radio broadcast today. it's fun until you have to do it three different times. booooring. new lumines demo dropped on a random monday morning or something like that. i was very excited. so excited i started working on the game again. again. doing more focused tutorials for now to get back into the groove of unity and c. i think it's a really good idea. we shall see. updates for myself mostly. mostly for the future. moistly. i've been getting a lot. a lot of good times with games and friends. cards. things that i need to do. responsibilities. i cleaned my room. the walls are pretty now. for myself mostly. i will come back more frequent. more focused.

it’s so fuckibg hot godddddd damnnn i know convenience and comfort are the enemy but godddd ddnaaaammmbnnnn it’s 90 in my place. i have no reason to be inside but god damn i am tired. i can go to the water. i can go to a movie theater with ac. i do want to watch weapons. i am still thinking about beau. why didn’t i see it earlier. do i not have anyone in my life that cares about me enough to force my ass in the theater seat. whatever. i am going to go out of my way to see edington too. never again.

after a long day of explaining to teenagers the importance of media literacy and speaking about them behind their back to other teachers, referring to their cellphones as pacifists for overgrown babies, i am back home ready for my own pacifier. i am surprised that i am not yet tired or bored of teaching media studies. maybe it is because i feel like i am constantly playing catchup with current events and trying to find a way to make it digestible for my kids. there is a lot at stake, so i try to be the first person to reach them with a specific story or idea. my hope is that after a few months of my class, the cricket in their ear (me) will speak to them about all the media they come across.

i think it is always important to relate the subjects you are teaching to things happening in our lives and to include yourself as the teacher. i tell them that i am also a student of media studies, i also have to interface with thousands of messages per day and that none of us are immune to misinformation, bias, and error. i realized as i was prepping for the class that i use a lot of metaphors from movies to explain the importance of media literacy so this year i will be showing a lot of clips to help drive the main point of whatever topic we are discussing. for example, today i showed them the wizard of oz scene where the wizard gets uncovered. “pay no mind to the man behind the curtain.” i always think of that quote when it comes to understanding systems and media. i hope they understood what i was going for.

i will now go and let myself be consumed by the same thing i told the kids to watch out for. at least i am aware of my own demise. that must be worth something.

there is so much to do and i want to do none of it. maybe i want to do some of it. i am getting kind of stuck in doing the same things in the same ways. i have so many expectations for this site. it has to hold all of my ideas while also giving me a sense of self-directed purpose. i did not write as much as i wanted to this week, it still feels like i am trying to write. but that’s exactly what i need to do, just write and be ok with it being there. i will stop writing about my writing now.

this weekend had a lot of baldur’s gate 3 and i finally watched beau is afraid, which i really really loved. it demanded my attention when i was trying to do everything but sit down and focus on one thing. my favorite part of the movie while watching it was the sound and my favorite part to keep thinking about is about how there are three possibilities on what’s actually happening in beau’s world. either (1) it is all psychosis, all the horrors exist only in his head because the horrible things he grew up with shaped the trauma he continues to live with. it could also (2) be part psychosis and part orchestrated madness. or (3) all of the horrors in his life are orchestrated and he has had zero sense of the real world. i think the movies leans into 3 more than the others and i think i lean that way too.

i love when movies have me thinking about the format and the genre, it can really mess with your expectations. it can help directly explain bizarre themes through feeling and vibe, the type of things that might otherwise be lost through explanation.

i will watch weapons this week.

second day of school on my 8ish years teaching. i have not tried writting shit in that time. i need to find my writing voice, again. so i will just be word vomitting until it feels natural.

this was largely inspired by smile.rip, which also greatly inspired the website overall. i have a lot of plans for the website. primarily to be a hub for all the random shit i do. it all has some sort of digital component that can be uploaded and shared. the container being a website for all those projects also gives me more ways of seeing the project through by giving it a place where it'll feel like home.

i think setting intentions as my first post is the best way i can honor the beginning of a new school year. after a whole day of creating classroom agreements and goals for the year, it feels natural. i want to be able to feel ok about writing whatever. i want it to be it's own thing, not attached to any incentive other than the satisfaction of seeing a page full of my own words. i never could keep a livejournal or anything like that for longer than three 3 days, tumblr was the closest thing i've gotten to creating my own site since the geocities days. i obviously like sharing. i was an early adopter of all the social media apps, which has only taken me further away from my own space on the web. i want these writing to be an example, even if only for myself. i don't want this to feel weird or self-entitled. i have a lot to say. the biggest satisfaction that any creative projects of mine have brought is that it can only exist outside of any of the big websites. soundcloud and tumblr were the last time like i felt like i had total control of how i wanted to share a thought or a whole project. sometimes i have shit to say and pictures to share but i don't want to add the social media perception, all the individual baggage that we attach to each app. it changes the meaning too much. i want to have control over who is profiting over something i think is woth sharing. i want it to exist outside of any systems that only exist to use and hurt my peoples. that motivation is also what keeps me being a media studies teacher. the internet has not been ok for a long time. it hasn't transformed, it was tamed. seeing the internet as a place where i can just create things like this is a reminder that we have so many tools, so many systems that we can shape to work for us.

i hope to keep writting.